


I Still Choose You

by babydraco



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: 24/7 Dom/sub, Blindfolds, Consensual Kink, Dom/sub, M/M, Non-Consensual Spanking, Sexual Dysfunction, Sub!Bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-23
Updated: 2014-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-20 13:02:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1511519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babydraco/pseuds/babydraco
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A  <a href="http://stevebucky-fest.dreamwidth.org/307.html?view=923699&posted=1#cmt923699">Stevebucky-Fest</a> prompt fill.</p><p>Bucky isn't used to making decisions for himself anymore and he would rather have Steve do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _Bucky got so used to obeying his handlers, and never being able to make his own choices that now (post-TWS) he feels overwhelmed, anxious, and uncertain about having to make his own choices. He needs someone to be in charge of his life. The one choice he is completely certain about, however, is that Steve is one who should be running his life._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _So in a nutshell, a 24/7 D/s relationship in which Bucky is the sub (and bottom) and Steve is the Dom (and top)._  
>  I would love to see both the sexual and non-sexual aspects of the relationship.  
> Things I would love to see included (but not mandatory):  
> Collars, Puppy play, Spanking, Hair pulling, Blindfolding, Loving and tender aftercare, and anything else Writer!Anon is into really.  
> How Steve feels about all of it is up to W!Anon.  
> I would like it if they were in a relationship already, but only got together post-TWS. 
> 
> No puppy play this time, I'm not sure how to do that. This is recently unbrainwashed!MCU!Bucky, as opposed to my other series with as fully recovered as he'll ever be!comics!Bucky. In theory they should be different, anyway.

Bucky straddled Steve on the couch as they exchanged heated kisses. They'd worked their way up to trying newer things, or rather, remembering more things that they used to do together. Like a little dry humping. Bucky inexpertly rubbed his ass against Steve's hardening cock, he even managed to make soft, pleased noises that went straight to Steve's groin.

“I just wanted to make sure you understand about...your right to say no,” Steve said. “We don't have to do anything just because I want to do it.”

“I can want it,” Bucky insisted. “I can, see?” He grabbed Steve's hand and pressed it against his crotch. He wasn't very hard, that almost broke Steve's heart. He was sure Bucky thought Steve was disappointed with the slow pace of their physical intimacy and he'd keep trying to push himself toward things he wasn't ready for.

“Bucky...” Steve pulled him down, snuggling Bucky against his own body. “I love you but it's okay if you're not ready.” Buck pressed his face into Steve's shoulder and began to cry, murmuring that he could do it, he could want it, please, please, Steve? Steve just hugged his sobbing friend tighter and didn't say that this was exactly the sort of issue he'd been trying to explain.

*****************************************************************  
“Argghh,” Bucky groaned, slamming the manila file folder shut.

“Maybe you should take a break,” Steve suggested as he glanced up from his own paperwork.

“No, I'm getting so close.”

“But you're also getting frustrated. Why don't you rest?”

“I need my memories back,” Bucky argued.

“One day won't make a difference,” Steve said. “It's okay to slow down.”

“No, it isn't!”

“Don't yell at me,” Steve replied. His temper had been on edge for days, it wasn't really Bucky's fault, it was the situation and the helplessness he felt over it. “I know you're frustrated but-”

“You don't know anything about how I feel!” Bucky cried. “I'm gonna work on this somewhere else.” He stood and headed for the door.

“Bucky, put it down and take a break.” He'd only meant it as a suggestion, it came out sounding like an order. Not like he had the right to give those in their home.

“Make me!” Bucky snapped. Steve lost his temper, before he could stop himself, he'd smacked Bucky on his ass. Bucky gasped. He pinned Bucky's right hand at the small of his back and slapped him again. To his shock, Bucky didn't even attempt to fight him off. Not that he gave him even a second to try, he followed the slap with several others, channeling his frustration into them as his open palm made contact. Bucky made no noise. He wanted to hear Bucky react, acknowledge the pain he was in. Steve stopped when he finally heard a faint whimper escape, a soft “Please stop!” He released Bucky and moved away as quickly as he could, out of punching range, before Bucky retaliated somehow. Bucky stumbled forward, grabbing at the back of the couch to steady himself but he didn't turn around and launch himself at Steve.

“Bucky, I'm sorry. I'm-I'm so sorry.” His slaps must be twice as hard as a normal man's and he hadn't been holding back much. That was an unfair use of his size and strength. Bucky didn't deserve to be hit and he was -he was an awful person. Mortified, Steve turned away, grabbed his keys and jacket and left as quickly as he could.

He rode around for at least two hours, he rode as far as he could on the bike before it got dark. Then he went to Macy's and wandered around looking at stuff he didn't want or need. Eventually he bought a tie, just to feel like he was accomplishing something. It was blue silk with tiny grey dots. He'd probably find somewhere to wear it. He thought about stopping at church to confess, he made it as far as the front steps and couldn't make himself go in. How would he ever explain the situation? Besides, his priest would just suggest that he find Bucky and apologize and then do something nice for Bucky, to show that they were still best friends. Obviously, he'd already planned to try that.

His apartment was spotless. He noticed it right away, he'd trained himself to notice whenever something was out of place, and this was sort of the opposite of getting your apartment tossed by the bad guys. It was ruthlessly, efficiently, organized and spotless. He'd been the victim of a...cleaning up? It smelled like spaghetti and meatballs and Bucky was curled up on the couch watching Seinfeld reruns. Steve put the Macy's bag on a chair.

“Hey,” Steve said softly. “How are you feeling?” Bucky shrugged, so Steve left him alone and went to check the progress of the dinner Bucky was apparently cooking. The sauce was boiling over on the stove. Steve quickly shut the heat off and placed the pot in the sink. It hissed and smoked as the bottom made contact with damp steel. Bucky took two steps into room and whimpered in distress.

“I'm sorry! Fuck! I forgot!”

“It's okay,” Steve reassured him. “It's not ruined. I know you were just trying to help. Sit down and I'll take care of it.” He didn't miss how quickly Bucky sank onto a chair. He also didn't miss the fact that Bucky had set the table with two sets of silverware, two plates (on placemats, Steve hadn't known he even owned placemats), two glasses, a bottle of red wine and a basket of rolls. He'd even ferreted out a white tablecloth. It was too perfect, as if he'd learned about setting tables from a photo and then attempted to replicate it exactly down to the centimeter.

Steve carefully portioned out the food and brought it to the table. Bucky waited quietly while Steve popped the cork on the wine. Steve had hardly ever pulled rank on Bucky when they were on their own time, it wasn't how friends treated each other. But he had to admit sometimes he'd wished Bucky would just let him be the boss. Let Steve take care of him for once, to make up for all the times Bucky had done it for him.

“This is nice,” Steve said. “Looks like you did a good job. I didn't realize you knew how to-”

“I learned today on the internet,” Bucky said. “I think it's right?”

“No, no, it's good,” Steve replied. “It's kind of perfect, Buck. All of it, the house too. It's very...efficient. Thank you.”

“So, you're not angry anymore?” Bucky asked with a hint of anxiety. It was the only thing that betrayed that he might not be okay. He ate with the same practical efficiency that he did everything else. “Even though I forgot the vegetables?”

“I haven't been mad for hours,” Steve said. “I should have stayed to explain, and apologize for hurting you. I had no right to do that.” He got some premixed veggies out of the fridge and tossed them with some dressing in two small bowls. Placing one in front of Bucky's table setting, he ordered, half jokingly, “you're not leaving the table until you eat this.”

“Yes, sir!” Bucky smiled over at him and both the smile and the smart alec response made something flutter in Steve's stomach.

“Buck-”

“Steve-”

“You go first.”

“Um,” Bucky said. “Um. The truth is, I'm not upset about earlier.” He took a big gulp of wine and twirled spaghetti on his fork before continuing. “I um I think I need that. From you. ”

“I'm not interested in hurting you, Bucky. I don't know where you're going with this but I don't-” Steve started to reply. Liar his conscience whispered. There had been something oddly satisfying about spanking Bucky, feeling warm, round cheeks jiggling under his palm.

“I don't care about pain,” Bucky said. “It's not about pain, or spanking. It's not a joke, I'm not going to act up so you can play punish me. I need to know that someone's in control, my life has order because someone made rules and enforces them. I want to know what to expect. ”

“I- no- I want you to make your own choices. You can't just spend the rest of your life doing whatever I tell you.” But he remembered Bucky's anxiety when trying to order in restaurants he'd never been to before, his frustration over everyday decisions, his near meltdown over his health insurance paperwork.

“But what if I looked around at the world and my life, and I'm choosing to to let you make the rules?”

“If-” Steve started to argue. But then he looked over at Bucky and noticed that Bucky was steadily eating his salad as he talked. And he thought back to the spotless apartment, and Bucky's unsolicited attempt to make dinner. He wasn't just trying to apologize, he was trying to submit. And Steve didn't hate that as much as he'd always assumed he would. “If I'm going to be the one who wears the pants, I want you in the living room in thirty minutes with yours off.”

“Whuh?” Bucky said, his mouth dropping open.

“Clean this up, living room, thirty minutes, naked. Do I need to repeat myself?”

“No, sir!”

Steve left him to it, he had his own preparations to make. He found some condoms, lube, and at the last minute he took the tie out of its gift box. Bucky arrived exactly thirty minutes later, not at all shy about his body but still beautiful and vulnerable in his nakedness.

“On your knees.” Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Bucky comply immediately. Steve reached into his desk and withdrew another little gift box. He opened it and showed Bucky what was inside.

“My dogtags.”

“They're a copy of the ones in the Smithsonian,” Steve explained. And those had been, of course, Bucky's spare set. “I'm going to put my hands near your neck, okay?”

“Okay.” Bucky was good, he didn't flinch as Steve fastened the chain around his throat. “It was when you named me, that I started to remember.”

“Now you'll always know you're mine...and that you're still yourself. As long as you're mine I won't let you get lost again. I promise.” He hooked an arm around Bucky's upper body and pulled him higher on his knees while bending down to kiss him. Steve tried to keep it chaste, no implications about wanting anything more but Bucky didn't seem to agree, he responded with a hunger that hadn't been present after their reunion.

“Please, sir?”

“I don't want to pressure you,” Steve said. “Don't say yes just because you agreed to put me in charge.”

“I'm ready,” Bucky insisted. “I know what I'm doing. I'm really, really ready.”

“I'm going to put this over your eyes,” Steve said, showing Bucky the blue silk tie. “If you can't, tell me now.”

“I can,” Bucky said, his breath hitching. He was still and quiet as Steve blindfolded him, and helped him stand. Steve took his hand and guided him to the bedroom. This was the first big step, could Bucky still trust Steve to lead him?


	2. Chapter 2

“What I did before, did that make you feel good?” Steve asked. “Did it feel sexy?” They sat on the bed together, Bucky was still blindfolded and he would stay that way until Steve felt like taking it off.

“I don't...I don't...” Bucky trailed off. He swallowed hard. “Spanking is a punishment for children. You wanted me to know you were in charge. You treated me like a child so I would know where I stood.”

“No, but, how did it feel? Did it make you want sex, or did it make you want to do anything to avoid another one? What if I did it again, right now? How would you feel?”

Bucky bit his lip, and after a moment he hesitantly shook his head. “Please, don't. I'll be good.”

Okay, there was Steve's answer. He was surprised by the next words out of Bucky's mouth.

“Why would it make me want sex?”

“Well, because sometimes people think it feels good, something about the dynamic or the pain itself,” Steve explained. He didn't have much experience in that area but Bucky seemed even more baffled. He heard Tony's voice in his head , “God, it's like the blind leading the blind”. When they were kids, Bucky had always been the one who knew about sex, one of the first of their crowd figure things out. Maybe he still did know, but he couldn't get past the fear and the brainwashing.

“Doing what I'm told feels good,” Bucky said. “And if I don't, I'm punished and that feels good, to know my boundaries. But it doesn't make me want sex. I don't understand.”

“There are other types of spankings,”Steve said. “For fun, not punishment. Like this.” He gave Bucky a slow, gentle smack on his bare thigh. Bucky gasped. “If you like that, and only if you like that” Steve whispered in his ear with a smile, “get on your stomach.”

Bucky rolled over immediately. Steve ran a loving hand down his back before lightly tapping his rear. At first, he made the slaps more like a slightly sharp massage. He sped up his hand and made the slaps increasingly hard until Bucky's ass started to turn pink. Bucky moaned softly and writhed, ass bouncing with every shift. He sounded pleased, Steve wasn't really hitting hard enough for the noises he made to be noises of real pain.

“Good boy. You're so good,” Steve murmured as he kissed those jutting cheeks and the base of Bucky's spine. He parted Bucky's cheeks and touched his tongue to his little puckered hole. Bucky tried to pull away, but he tried to do it subtly and he whimpered instead of verbalizing 'no'. Okay, bad idea for now. “I'll...be right back. Ten minutes. While I'm gone, I want you to touch yourself, I promise I won't be watching.”

If Bucky could get it up, they could think about taking this further. He left to brush his teeth, and grab the supplies he'd brought to the living room. He stripped down to his boxers on the way back. When he returned to the bedroom, he found Bucky kneeling on the bed, thighs spread apart, his pink lips were open and panting as he concentrated on stroking his cock. He'd managed more of an erection than Steve had seen him achieve so far. He wanted Bucky to know what felt good to Bucky, he didn't want a lover who just put up with what someone else liked.

“You remembered how to salute,” Steve said. “Keep going, soldier.” He climbed on the bed behind Bucky and covered Bucky's hand with his own, to feel the way he moved and understand how he pleasured himself. But as Bucky approached orgasm, he shook, and cringed away even as Steve held onto him and when he spurted all over their hands it was with a terrified sob.

“I know,” Steve murmured. He hoped his voice sounded soothing. “It's too good, it's scary.”

“It's not allowed,” Bucky moaned. “Not for the Soldier. No good feelings. No. You can't have it. They'll only hurt you.” The changes in his voice and demeanor were disturbing, to say the least.

“Shh,” Steve said, he rocked Bucky in his arms a little. “I won't push you any more today. Let's get you cleaned up and into some comfy pajamas, okay?”


	3. Chapter 3

After he put Bucky to bed, Steve went online to find an answer to their problems. He didn't really know where to start, so he went to Google and typed in “sexual dysfunction advice”. That wasn't a lot of help. Bucky's problem wasn't biological. He found a sex advice forum, hosted by a doctor, that allowed anonymous questions.

_Hi,_

_My new boyfriend can't have an orgasm without having an anxiety attack. He was badly abused, I think the people he used to be with discouraged him from asking for affection or from accepting pleasure. I don't know what to do, I don't want him to hurt when I'm just trying to show him how I feel._

He nervously hit “post”. Asking for advice on the internet felt weird but he didn't know how to bring it up with his friends either. He did his laundry to avoid the temptation to sit there refreshing the page. When he finally sat back down, there were a few responses, from the useless, _“men get too focused on shooting the load, maybe you should slow down and just find other ways to please each other._ ” to something he was a lot more intrigued by, _“ What if you made sure to let him know he has permission to cum? I mean, it's a little kinky but if he knows nothing bad will happen if he goes all the way, he might be able to relax. Then you could give him a reward. I know most people think of orgasms as their own reward but if he's having trouble, why not._ ”

Well, they'd already gotten kinky. He really had nothing to lose by trying it.

Steve spent another two hours typing up a list of rules for Bucky, tomorrow he'd present it to Bucky and give him a few hours to read it over and sign it. Accepting the role of dominant partner wasn't as hard as he'd expected, it wasn't that different from being Bucky's superior officer during the war, except that he was allowed to use more creative rewards and punishments and had a bit more control over Bucky's free time. He wanted Bucky to address him as “Sir” or “Captain” in response to orders or when framing a request. He would give Bucky an allowance to spend on personal wants and needs -amount to be determined after he consulted with Tony's financial adviser because he hadn't thought about getting an accountant until he had someone depending on him- and Steve would cover everything else. Bucky would have chores, things he could do without causing too much trouble if he spaced out again, mostly symbolic in order to maintain his submission, since Steve used a cleaning service. He added a list of personal hygiene requirements and ordered Bucky to report immediately if he felt sick or in pain.

They weren't in this to find some excuse to punish Bucky, and although he would absolutely do it if he needed to, Bucky wanted to do as he was told. He craved the rules, not the punishments.

The next morning, he rapped on Bucky's bedroom door at 6:30 a.m.

“Up. We're running with Sam.”

Bucky groaned. He sat up with bedhead and sleepy eyes, and he was ready to go a few minutes later. But Steve was glad he'd dragged his feet a little, he wanted to encourage any independent feelings Bucky had and was able to express, while maintaining the authority Bucky insisted on surrendering to him.

They loved saying “on your left” and “on your right” every time they passed Sam, the best part was how much fun Bucky had with the -no pun intended- running joke. Anything to see Bucky laugh freely again. 

“Let's mix it up,” Steve said. “You go that way,” he pointed off to the left, “ And I'll take this path. We'll meet up back here in twenty.” He took off down a tree lined path and soon found himself alone in a more thickly wooded area. It was silent and peaceful, he heard something skittering over the leaves but he figured it was a squirrel.

He stumbled, not over a rock or a stick or a pot hole but over someone's foot.

Steve went down, hard, in a pile of leaves. He'd barely recovered his breath and rolled over when Bucky pounced on him. Bucky grinned down at him happily, his eagerness was both gorgeous and infectious. Steve laughed and rolled him over on his back and pinned his arms above his head. Steve slipped his hand in Bucky's sweatpants, and stroked Bucky to hardness. Bucky panted, and whined, lifting his hips urgently.

“Please,” he said. “Please?” He squeezed his eyes shut.

“Look at me, Bucky. Always look at me. You'll always be safe if you're looking in my eyes.” He stroked Bucky gently until the changes in Bucky's breathing and the way he trembled and tried to pull away signaled that he was close to climaxing. “I want you to come. I love to watch you, it really makes me happy. Do it for me, baby.”

Bucky thrashed underneath him, but as he shot into Steve's hand, there were no tears or self blame and no panic attack.

“Such a good job,” Steve murmured. He wiped his hand on the grass. “I'm gonna buy you Starbucks because you did so well for me.” When they could both stand again, they walked leisurely back to Sam, with their arms around each other's waists.

“Where you guys been?” Sam asked. He lounged against a tree, chugging from a water bottle. “Did you take a side trip to Queens?”

“C'mon, slowpoke!” Bucky said. “We're going to Starbucks!”

“Wait...” Sam called as he trailed after them. “You guys haven't even had your coffee yet?”


	4. Chapter 4

“You guys invited to that party Stark's throwing?” Sam asked Steve and Bucky as they sat crowded into a booth at Burger King, Sam on one side, Steve and Bucky on the other. 

“I'm not going,” Bucky said with a shrug. “I'm being punished.”

Sam went quiet and looked at Steve with a raised eyebrow. Bucky glanced nervously between them as if he was trying to figure out if he'd said something he shouldn't have. Then he stared down at the remains of the burger he'd dutifully eaten. 

“Hey, Buck,” Steve said gently, “Can you give us a minute? Go to the bathroom or something?” Bucky nodded and left for the men's room. Steve sighed. “Look, he's still very literal minded, we might only have sixty seconds, so let's get this over with.” 

“It's not my thing but I've heard it can be therapeutic,” said Sam. “I figure he has issues and this is the way he wants to deal with them. Of course, I'm starting to like the guy, so if you _were_ taking advantage of the power you have over him, I'd kinda have to hurt you.”

“The shovel talk? From you?” Steve stole a fry off his tray. 

“Yeah, the shovel talk.” Sam shoved the waxed paper full of fries at Steve. He didn't have a super-soldier metabolism and the fries were laying heavy in his stomach anyway. 

“I'm glad you care enough about him to think about scenarios where you'd have to protect him from me,” Steve said. “What if one day, I can't take care of him? What if I'm not there?” 

“Then I hope he's strong enough to take care of himself, but you know I'm ready if he's not. You might wanna make sure he knows to keep your arrangement to himself though. Don't need the whole world knowing Captain America spanks his boyfriend.” Sam slurped his Coke and smirked around the straw. 

“I d-I _don't_ ,” Steve protested, blushing. “Not like that.” Bucky loved the “stingy massage” version as foreplay but they both hated it as discipline, Steve hadn't used it that way since the first time, and Bucky rarely tested him. Not now that he was secure in knowing Steve was willing and able to take him in hand. Simply repeating himself firmly with a look of disapproval was usually enough. 

“Not like what?” Bucky asked, sliding in next to Steve. Steve angled the fries toward Bucky to indicate he had permission to try them. 

“Uh, we were talking about your discipline,” Steve explained awkwardly.

“Oh.” Bucky calmly ate fries and sipped his mineral water (he hated modern Coke) as if that wasn't a huge violation of his privacy. He was probably used to being discussed as if he was furniture, it bothered Steve a little but didn't seem to bother Bucky much. 

“I don't feel comfortable doing that without your consent,” Steve said. “But you did bring it up, and that's my fault, I didn't explain why that's not a good idea. Not everyone will- most people won't understand.” 

“I know,” Bucky said, shifting uncomfortably on the leather seat. “Sometimes I say things I don't want to. And I'm not used to having privacy, and having things I can keep to myself. I'm sorry, Sam, I didn't mean to share that.” 

“It's alright, kid. Hey, I don't wanna go to this party either, how about I come over and bring Star Wars dvds?”

“Sam! This isn't supposed to be fun for him,” Steve chided. But Bucky gave him Sad, Hopeful, Puppy Eyes. “Oh, alright. Undermine my authority.” 

Sam showed up that evening with pizza and beer and the prequels. Bucky still felt bad about acting up and needing to be punished, but at least Steve was letting him have a friend over. He couldn't remember having had any friends before he met Sam. And Sam knew how to make him feel safe, he never had to explain himself or worry about surprises. 

“So these take place _before_ the others?” Bucky asked. It was the second time he'd asked that during _The Phantom Menace_ but Sam didn't act irritated or anything like that. 

“Yeah. Uh, Bucky?”

“Hmm?”

“You're okay with following Steve's rules?” 

“He doesn't hurt me or make me feel like I'm less than him.” No one except Steve had ever asked him if he was okay with not being in charge. But he was a person again, a person who could have opinions, and friends who wanted to hear them. “I have a bed of my own and my own bathroom,” he added. “He's good to me. I know I can't hurt anyone if he's my CO. ”

“Is that all you expect from him?” Sam asked. 

“He's _very_ good to me,” Bucky said with a mouthful of pizza. “I like being in bed with him.”

“Good for you. I just had to make sure.”

Then they lapsed into comfortable silence because Bucky still wasn't great at holding up his end of a conversation, but Sam was okay with that.


	5. Chapter 5

“I'm supposed to do that,” Bucky said quietly as Sam gathered the pizza box and beer bottles. Taking care of Steve was his job, _every day_. He felt wrong if he wasn't making sure Steve's life flowed smoothly. From what he could remember, he'd always tried to take care of Steve and even though he was damaged, confused, he wanted to do what he could. 

“Nah, you shower and get in your pjs so you're ready when Steve comes back,” Sam said. "Your make up sex is a lot more important."

With the pizza, and the beer, and the fast food, without the modified serum he might've felt sick to his stomach but he metabolized everything too quickly. He'd had a lot of Sam's beer, but although he _could_ get drunk, it would take so much alcohol Sam would've passed out trying to keep up with him. He didn't know his limit, he hadn't been allowed to drink alcohol when Hydra owned him, but they'd told him drinking it would be a waste of time. When he asked those sorts of questions, they'd always gotten suspicious that he was getting too close to his peers, the man or woman he'd made friends with would be reassigned overnight. 

While Sam cleaned up, Bucky used the bathroom and showered and brushed his teeth. While he was showering, Sam left a pair of flannel pjs and cotton briefs folded up on the counter (he went back to watching tv after that). 

Maybe he could do something special for Steve, to make up for being bad. Bucky opened The Drawer in Steve's bathroom where they kept the toys he liked Steve to hurt him with. Looking down at the collection, his whole body, especially his ass, tingled with pleasant anticipation. There was a big pump bottle of some sort of lotion nestled in among the toys. It wasn't their post spanking lotion it was...it was lubricant. But not the type Bucky's prosthetic arm needed. The label said it was “for pleasure”. From what he understood, it was for situations where they wanted to be inside each other. But Steve had never asked for that. He had this in his bathroom, but he'd never asked for it. Did he want it? Was Bucky supposed to offer? Steve was big, really big, Bucky wondered how badly it would hurt. In a panic, he shut the drawer and stood with his face in his hands, trying to practice Dr. Banner's breathing exercises. When he felt better, he steeled himself for what he had to do, prepping himself with the lube and climbing naked into Steve's bed. 

He woke up to Steve's weight unbalancing the bed and turned automatically toward him. Steve took Bucky's chin in his hands, and kissed him. Bucky strained closer, craving more. 

“Hey,” Steve murmured. “The party was ridiculous. Did you know they have chocolate fountains now? You just walk up and dip fruit and bread.”

“Mhhm. I like chocolate,” Bucky said. He liked chocolate. He didn't like Coke. He liked Steve _out_ of his clothes and that's why he started gently tugging on them, trying to get his hands on that gorgeous body. 

“Eager beaver,” Steve laughed, allowing Bucky to strip him. 

“Not a beaver,” Bucky replied with a grin.

“No, you're not,” Steve agreed. He lifted Bucky with hands under his thighs, using pure strength to position him, Bucky wrapped his legs around Steve's waist, angled upward. They moved together, slowly at first and then with more abandon. Steve had to lower Bucky back to the mattress to rut harder, Bucky kissed him deeply, fists tangled in his hair.

“Steve! Steve!”

“What? What?”

Bucky grabbed Steve's hand and pressed it against his slicked up hole.

“Oh, Bucky. I want to, I do,” Steve groaned. “Do _you_ want to?” But he didn't stop moving, sending sharp shards of pleasure all through Bucky's body.

“I want to be good!”

“You're good.” He made Bucky look at him. “Do you hear me? _You.are.good._ You don't have to do things that might hurt just to prove it to me. I'm not mad at you, you made a mistake this morning but I love you and we're okay.” He ducked down and took Bucky in his mouth, pumping himself with his other hand. It felt so good, overwhelming, Bucky wanted to pull away and hide, before he was punished for giving into it and making the noises he heard coming out of his mouth and couldn't stop. Afraid, he dug his nails into Steve's shoulders, but Steve stroked his skin all over, and he remembered how much it pleased Steve when he let himself climax without fighting it or crying. And he could, because he was safe here .

“Wonderful,” Steve whispered. “Perfect.” He reached down to the pocket of his jacket, which was lying on the floor and withdrew a small gold box. “Stark gave us party favors.” Steve slipped a piece of chocolate between Bucky's lips, it was already melting and he smiled as Bucky licked what was left behind off his fingers.

“I love you too,” Bucky gasped. It was the first time he could remember saying it, and he meant it with his whole heart.


End file.
